The calls are comming from inside the house!

Here is my horoscope for today, the last day that I can consider myself to be "twentysomething":
Your Horoscope - Today, August 15, 2008
Today's planetary energies will be very demanding, Laura. As you agonize over whether or not you are "up to standard", the planets, in a very cheeky way, respond that you are not! That's because you are moving too quickly! The change in direction that you are making at the moment is profound, yet you are trying to take it lightly. Dare to go deeper.

Suggestions Please

I have been trying to eat healthier, only partly because I would like to lose some weight but mostly just to be healthier. However, this week the premenstral cravings have taken over- if its fat or sugar ladden I want it. Oh and carbs are good too. Is there something healthy I can eat to satisfy these cravings?

My Taffeta badge of honor

Tomorrow I will don a lovely red gown and help one of my friends get married. And despite my complaints as of late, I am happy and honored to be one of her bridesmaids. I think Cindy Chupack explained it best in “The Between Boyfriends Book”: “…rarely have I been awarded that purple heart of friendship that would put me among the few, the proud, the bridesmaids. I find this distressing. I always considered myself a good friend, a girl’s girl, but the lack of taffeta in my closet would seem to imply otherwise.” I’ve known Jen for about 13 years now and in that time I’ve served as her confidante (especially in the last year), cheerleader, partner in crime, therapist, companion, and voice of reason. And while sometimes our friendship seems out of balance, I honestly enjoy playing these roles. I really enjoy making people feel better (hence the profession) and knowing I’ve helped someone else. So tomorrow I will wear that taffeta creation with pride because I have more than earned it!

Tales from the field...

Last night one of the Pinebrook clients and his grandmother arrived a little early for his appointment, so they were there when I walked my previous client to the waiting room. Once we got in the therapy room, my client's grandmother asked me if I had other clients. She seemed a little suprised at this! I was speachless. I have been seeing them for about eight months now and she just realized that her grandson is not my only client!

The dress

Jen has her dress hanging in my room because she was told it needs to be out of the dress bag so it doesn't get ruined. She can't hang it in her room because she shares it with Michael, so it' s in my room. I swear it has a presence! It's so pretty that I cannot resist just staring at it.

The State of Me

Ok, so it’s been a little while since I last posted. Sorry! Life has been hectic the past month. I finished up two more classes-eleven classes down, five more to go (two of which I am enrolled in now!!) and while I am taking a much needed one month break from normal classes (still enrolled in practicum), I have not had a huge amount of time the past few weeks. I had a lot of little things that needed to be caught up, deep cleaning if you will. And then there’s Jen’s wedding and all the stuff that goes with that.
KidsPeace is ok- it’s a paycheck until I finish my degree. It’s the same job I had before and despite the change in agencies, I am still stressed out. I think this is because I have grown accustomed to having my thoughts and opinions listened to and having, at the very least, a small say in the treatment of the client. However, now I am working in an entry -level position with people who do not know my ability level, and so, I’ve had a lot of things explained to me that I already know, ECT. I am trying so very hard to keep an open mind about this and I tell myself that maybe I will learn something new, but it has yet to happen and I am starting to get very frustrated and annoyed. My job is not at all challenging or stimulating like the work I do at Pinebrook. I think I am just ready to move on, but am unable to until I finish my degree.
I am exactly one month away from my 30th birthday. When I was a teenager, I pictured myself spending this birthday with my husband and children- the sexes of those children and how many depended on my mood at the time, but their existence never did. I pictured myself living in a nice house, which I would be able to afford because I would have just finished up my Ph.D and my husband would have a good job as well (the type of job was also dependant on my mood). So I sit here now, one month away from 30, in the room I rent in my friend’s house, stressing out about getting enough hours to finish my master’s degree so that I can get a decent job, and looking longingly at said friend’s wedding dress in all it’s beautiful wonderful glory, wondering if I am ever going to get to wear one of those. I am not depressed, but I have some moments where I am close.

On being an aunt....

I periodically read a blog written by a single woman about her adventures- It provides support and reassurance that I'm not the only one. Her post on her impending aunthood says it all much better than I ever could: http://thisfish.ivillage.com/love/archives/2008/05/my-new-job.html

Mood Alert!!

On Monday I had the truly wonderful task of handing in my resignation letter. I opted to hand my letter directly to Kim to prevent it from being "lost" in her mailbox. Kim has handled this event with the grace and professionalism that I have come to expect from her- my letter has yet to be seen or heard of by anyone other then Kim. I would not be suprised if it accidently on purpose fell in to the trash can before anyone could see it. I will be printing out another copy and taking it to HR as proof that it does exist and I did , in fact, give two weeks notice.
So you would think that I would be feeling an unparalled extacy- in two weeks I will never have to deal with Kim again!!! Wrong. I forgot how emotionally stressful leaving an agency can be. Not the office/Case Management part. I'm truly estatic about leaving that behind. It's the clients. After you spend a couple years spending a couple hours five days a week with someone, you get attached. There is a feeling of closeness because you have come in to their houses and seen and helped them through some rough times. Added to that, because I'm a therapist, is the feeling that you are leaving them high and dry. I would like to leave them in a good place, but both of them still need therapy and I know that it will probably be awhile in til they get a new therapist (everyone has waiting lists) and usually, the client winds up losing some of the skills that they have learned in therapy. I can't believe that in another week and a half I will probably never see these people again. It feels like an amputation. So, just a warning- I am very emotional right now.

Bring on the rain

This must be national Craptastic week. My day can beat the snot out of Steph's day. The loveliness started at the late hour of 4am, when one of my roommates thumped in to the kitchen (which sits directly above my room), waking me up. Then I had another run in with Kim- "a meeting" to discuss "concerns" AKA little mistakes that she has exagerated to make it seem like I am the most incompetent case manager to walk the earth. Then I backed up in to a car backing out of my space. My car now has a huge scratch on the rear bumper. Oh Joy! Dr.K, my practicum supervisor asked if I had heard from KidsPeace and when I told him I had not, he said he was confused as to what had happened and oh well. (I'm more then qualified for the job and my interview went well). I'm confused as well because I know for a fact that they called one of my references. I also wonder if they called my current employer (Kim) and if so, if she lied and said that I was a bad employee. So I guess that ship has sailed. Now I'm worried that she'll screw me out of getting a new job.
Maybe tommorrow will be better. (please!!)

Sigg Bottles

I was recently asked if I had ever gotten a sigg bottle. I have two, one looks like the bottle above and the other one, I cannot find a picture of on the website, but it's smaller and is silver with blue circles on it. They are a little pricey, but I figured I usually carry a water bottle with me so eventually, it will pay for itself. Plus it's better for the environment!

Spring Cleaning

Much of the last week was spent holed up in my bedroom, avoiding the wars going on around me. So I had plenty of time to think, which I think during this time of year, leads to an itch for newness. So I rearranged my room- not completely, but enough to make it "new", and I did alot of cleaning, more then I usually do. I also decided it was time to revamp my blog. However, I couldn't find a layout that I liked any more then my current one, so I decided just to change the colors. I also changed the picture. While Cinderella is not my favorite Disney character, I can relate to the all work no fun life that she has in the begining of the movie (and I'm hoping that my life will change dramatically for the better soon!) Changing things around feels like bloodletting to me- like if I change the layout of my room and the colors of my blog all the bad energy (or whatever) will leave me and things will be good again. I don't know why. Maybe because I would like to believe that it is this easy to make good things happen. Or maybe because I feel like I have tried everything else, so maybe if I just hang a good picture or pick a good color, my life will change.

The kind of food that doesn't make you fat

The last couple months have been jam packed and have left me with quiet a lot to process. Shortly after my last post, I had to present my Genogram (detailed family tree/history) to my class. I will not go in to details here, but it’s not exactly white picket fences and June Cleaver. That experience and the discussions with my mom and sister that followed have given me a lot of food for thought. As I was recovering from that, Uncle Bob passed away. I think Steph did a beautiful job of expressing the shock, pain, and questions that we were left with after Uncle Bob’s passing. I think that in some ways it was harder for me because of the depression and suicide. Because I am a therapist, there is a tiny part of me that thought if I only knew…. I know that in reality, there was nothing I personally could have done, but I cannot help but feel that I could have. I am fortunate to have a supervisor who understood and, through a story, reassured me that I could not of done anything but it was normal to feel this way. My heart goes out to Chrissy and Betsy (not that I don’t feel for Ryan) because I think every girl dreams of their wedding day and a part of that is having your dad walk you down the aisle. Not to mention the father-daughter dance. And he will never meet their children. I know that the loss is so much more profound than these little things, but it’s hard not to think of all the things that will be missed. One of the many thoughts that ran through my head as I drove home was that I have had to do so many things by myself, I hope that I don’t have to walk myself down the aisle too. If I were to reflect on it further, I would only repeat what Steph said.
Shortly after that, I found out that the agency I work for had lost a major funding source, and so there is a good chance that most of us will be out of a job come May 30th. Really, this is both good and bad. The bad is mostly obvious: I need a job and it’s always hard to leave clients behind. However, I see this as an opportunity for change and a new beginning. I haven’t really been happy at VCG for quite some time and I think this is God’s way of giving me a kick in the pants to get out of there. Right now I am just hoping it all works out for me- A very wise woman told me it always does. (Hi mom!)
In addition to the above, my Practicum provides me with new challenges and food for thought almost daily. In the past couple months I have had to call Childline, figure out how to get through to a stubborn little bugger, and deal with the aftermath of a suicide attempt. It’s not all rain and thunder clouds though- I also get to watch my clients grow and heal. It’s a very slow process, but it’s magical too. I know that some people think that the job of a therapist is depressing, but really it’s inspiring to see someone make the decision to change themselves, work toward that goal, and finally achieve it. And the fact that I get to be a part of it is just gravy.

Tales from the field...

I have been wearing my glasses for the past week, as I do from time to time when my eyes need a break from contacts. Upon noticing this today, my Client's sister asked me if I used to sit too close to the TV.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I seem to have a reoccuring theme in my life: the battle for respect. I think because I am quiet and shy, people think that it's ok to treat me poorly. This has happened with my supervisors at work (including my clinical supervior last week the bastard!), my school supervisor, and even friends and family. It's at the point where I am considering having "welcome" tatooed on my forehead. The question is how do you cure the disease to please?
The funny thing is that I have no problem confronting my clients, but when it comes to those close to me or in a position of power, I lose my nerve. I have started to experiment with being less of a doormat at work, by not asking how high when my director at work says jump. I know that this sounds like a risky mistake, but it's acctually worked for me. When I started to show more of a backbone at work, my supervisor started to treat me ever so slightly less like a doormat. But she's just one of the people that need to be reformed.

"I'm sorry"

I have heard those two little words a million times over the last three months:
"I'm sorry I forgot about our appointment. For the third time"
"I'm sorry that you didn't get to talk in supervision. again."
"I'm sorry that I interupted you to ask your sister a question.again."
"I'm sorry that I didn't answer your email. again."
"I'm sorry that I asked you about your week and then ignored the answer to focus on your sister/my grandchildren. again."
The funny thing is that most of the time, they don't really mean that the person is sorry. What they really mean is "It really sucks for me that you are upset about something I did or said so now I'm going to say these two words with the hope that I will be exzonerated (sp?) from all wrong doing." Nope. I'm sorry, but I don't buy it. If the person was truly sorry, he/she would make an effort to change the behavior instead of continually repeating the same offenses and then offering the standard empty "I'm sorry". you're sorry? Then PROVE IT!!

The Year Ahead

I have long been facinated with New Years eve/day superstitions. Some of the more interesting ones:
* Hold a 20.00 dollar bill in your hand when the ball falls and you will have enough money for the comming year. (I've done this the past couple years and I've yet to truely run out)
* Eat Black Eyed Peas with New years dinner for luck
*Wear Pink Underware on New years Eve/ Day for luck in Romance (It SOOO doesn't work!!! UPDATE: they are suposed to be new. oops!)
*The first visitor to your home should be male, dark haired, and bearing gifts (Maybe Garret should visit you on New Years Claire)
*Eat Cabage on New Years day for luck.
*Empty pockets or empty cupboards on New Years Eve portend a year of poverty
*To assure good luck for the New Year, one should sleep with a horseshoe under his pillow on New Year's Eve.
*Bills should be paid so you will not be in debt during the comming year.
*Nothing -- absolutely nothing, not even garbage -- is to leave the house on the first day of the year- the year must begin with something's being added to the home before anything subtracts from it.
*Make sure to do some work -- and be successful at -- something related to your work on the first day of the year, even if you don't go near your place of employment that day. Limit your activity to a token amount, though, because to engage in a serious work project on that day is very unlucky.
*Also, do not do the laundry on New Year's Day, lest a member of the family be 'washed away' (die) in the upcoming months. The more cautious eschew even washing dishes.
* And then there's the old standard of kissing at midnight

I just hung my 2008 Susan Branch calendar and in the middle of the January drawing is the most perfect quote for the comming year (unfortunely): " oh bed! oh bed! Delicious bed, that heaven upon earth, to the weary head." ~ Thomas Hood

Random Thoughts

* I just finished my seventh class with a perfect 100%
* I start my next Class January 1st- Psychopathology (which means that you have a MH diagnosis not that you're a psychopath) & Marriage and Family therapy
* If my deadbeat clients don't start showing up consistently, I will never finish my Practicum/Intership!!!
* Related to the above, I just picked up five new clients so hopefully I will get more then a few hours a week!!!
*It doesn't feel like it's three days before Christmas. Maybe a day of present wrapping and cookie baking will change that!
* I have taken even more of a liking to the song "Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses. I think it's because I wish that some of that "old christmas magic" they talk about would come my way!
* I feel ripe for a change and I'm really hoping that 2008 is the year everything starts working out for me. And everyone else too, but especially me (I'm putting this one in lavender because that seems to be my color.)
* My local supervisor, Dr. K, told me that he thinks that I should go in to a Psy.D (the non-scientific version of a Ph.D in psychology) after I finish my Master's. I said we will see how I feel after I finish the master's degree. At this point I would like to get my MRS degree followed by my MOM degree before I consider a Psy.D or Ph.d. But the huge compliment is noted!
* My school supervisor is annoying the crap out of me. He says that he believes in building a relationship (no mom not that kind of relationship), but during every individual supervision I have had with him there are always interuptions (people walking in to his office, phone calls) and this week and apparently my next "individual" supervision will be shared with another student, who seems to be more needy then me(so she talks more then I do and so I barely get to talk about my stuff). How do you expect to build a relationship if I never get to talk to you?! DUH!!!!! (yes I know I sound about 9, but it felt good!) Although, I feel I must add that the school just switched presidents and hired a Provost so he has had a lot of extra work, but still.....
* I'm sick of having to be on top of everyone and everything- I've had to do a alot of micromanging at work and at Pinebrook and really, with my school supervisor a little (with the scheduling of supervision times) I wish I could just stop at being on top of my things!
*Wow do I ever need this vacation!

Gettin' What I deserve (Finally!)

Almost every Tuesday during supervision, my on-site supervisor tells me in one way or another that he is very pleased with all that I have done during my short time as an intern. The joy that this brings me, I cannot explain. After two or three years of working under people who do not appreciate what I do or how well I do it, it is beyond nice to get the professional validation I have been craving!! My supervisor has a PH.D, has been a licenced psychologist for almost 20 years, and has been working in the mental health field almost as long as I've been alive. It never ceases to amaze me that someone who, by rights, could treat me as if I know nothing treats me like a respected collegue and my supervisor at work, who has a bachelors and almost no clinical experience, treats me like I know nothing.

UGG...it's only Monday?!

I don't really have anything new to post, but I feel like venting. My free time seems to fly by while the hours that I am working (paid or not) last f--o--r--e--v--e--r! If only I could come in to some money so I wouldn't have to work so much! Oh Well...three more weeks until my much needed vacation!!