On my mind this week

* I am STILL waiting for my W-4 from KP!!! However, I did find my last paystub and added the totals from each agency- there are 3 this year- and the numbers were not good. For the first time since I graduated from college, I made under 20,000. I knew my income was lower this year, but I didn't realize it was that low.

* I have spent the past two days getting my lesson plans ready for Together Families (the group I am leading for part of my internship). I feel like that is all I have done for the past two days.

*I am starting a new case this week, which will be good for my paycheck, but means that I will be working marathon days. I cannot wait until I am done with school and can just work one job.

* My weekly visit to Steph's was wierd and not at all satisfying. We didn't really talk because she was sick :( And I didn't get to play with Jacob.

* It was a very stressful week client-wise and I really wish I could talk about it! However, I cannot do that here, but I will have a jam packed Supervision session this week! All I can say here is: Is a full moon approaching?!

Jan 11th- 17th or All Stressed out

So here's the weekly report:

* I am totally and completely broke (thanks so much KP!!!!)

*I am starting to get stressed out about my clinical hours, or lack therof. Now that I am taking the internship course, I have a firm deadline, which would be April 23rd. I am now at 361 overall hours and 176 Relational hours. November and December seem to be consistently bad for therapy attendance because of the holidays. I am praying that I have clients with amazingly good attendance rates!

* Speaking of amazing attendance rates, on Wednesday I had four clients scheduled and all four showed up!!!! I am the envy of all the other therapists who knew about it! (no shows are quite common at Pinebrook)

*I finished Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas and I highly recommend it! So good! But it's a tear jerker. I am now reading One, Two, Buckle My Shoe (an Agatha Christie novel) and The Message, which is the new testament of the Bible written in layperson speak. It's actually kinda neat. Changing the language of it makes it easier to read.

*I made my own playlist on Playlist.com and I am enjoying it. (thanks Steph!)

*I had a really good session with one of my clients this week. She has made so much progress and I am so proud of her. She is one of the most difficult clients I've ever had, by far, so her progress is a real achievement for both of us!

* I'm so glad that Steph has internet and will be able to post again! I miss reading about her adventures. It's a shame that she couldn't do a paid blog- she's such a good writer.

* Saturn of the Valley is on my bad list

* Is it spring yet? I'm ready for warm weather and I miss being able to feel my toes!

* I have one of the three W-4's I need to be able to do my taxes (and get a refund!!) I am still awaiting my W-4's from KP and Valley Counseling. Doesn't it figure that they would be a pain even now!!

Your Horoscope - This Week
This is going to be an excellent year for partnership and romantic issues. Jupiter moves into Aquarius and your partnership zone on Monday, where it will stay until 2010. Despite the issues and problems you've had to deal with in past relationships, you may decide to get married, engaged, or perhaps commit to your lover on a long-term basis this year. You're also going to be doing a lot of socializing and this is going to bring many new friends into your life. You're going to have a lot of fun.

The week in Laura

I am going to try to post on my blog at least once a week. I would love to be able to post several times a day, like Steph, but right now I just have too much to do and not enough energy to do it. So here's what's goin' on:

* I REALLY miss your blog Steph! I can't wait until you get internet access again!
*I feel like my life is just a big cycle right now: get up, go to work, go to internship, come home, eat dinner, go to sleep, repeat. And I think it's going to be that way until I graduate. :(
* Speaking of graduating, that should happen in about mid-April, but it's ultimately dependent on when I finish my clinical hours. I need to have 500 hours of Client contact ( each 45 minute session counts as an hour.), 250 of which need to be relational (with more then one person).
* Right now I have 353 hours done and 159.5 of them are relational!
* Living with teachers during snow season is torture- I want a snow day too!!
* I am almost done cutting out my flashcards for the MFT exam( I have to take the practice exam for my internship course), all 400 of them. Now I just have to memorize them. Oooh, when will the fun stop!!!
*It can stop snowing until next winter. Seriously..I'm good.
*I miss having enough money
*I have started making a list of all the agencies/companies in the area that I can potentially work at when I finish school. I plan to start applying for jobs in early to mid March.
* My 2009 calendar is Flower Faries. There is something magical about faries that is really appealing to me right now. Also, the pictures look like illustrations for a children's book, so I can keep the calendar and frame the pictures for the daughter that mom tells me I'm going to have. ( I hope she is right! :) )
* Reading non-school books is now a guilty pleasure for me. Right now I am reading Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas by James Patternson during my client's nap time (if he sleeps). Most of the story is a diary that Suzanne writes for her son Nicholas about her life and how she met and fell in love with Nicholas' father. It's a neat idea that I may have to do for my children.
* I am continuing to read The Bible on Sunday mornings. I have a Bible that includes devotionals, so right now I have just been reading them and the passages that go with them.
* I have Senoritis BAD!!! April cannot come soon enough.
* E-harmony commercials make me want to cry and not in a good way. I really hope there is a man waiting for me at the end of this journey through school.

Just a good quote

From the NCU discussion board:

"Faith is a big part of humanity, regardless of what humanists say. Personally, looking at history, it is a bigger leap of faith to believe in the goodness of man than it is to believe in the goodness of God."

To Don't

Another belated post, this one on my resolutions for 2009. I have such a strong desire for change, so I am doing a different type of list this year.

I resolve to not:

1 put more in to relationships then I get out of them
2 worry about things I cannot control
3 worry what others think
4 procrastinating so much
5 judge my success by the lack of jewlry on my left hand
6 forget to make time for fun

The List

Since I didn't get around to posted a Thankful list on Thanksgiving (I was otherwise occupied), I'm going to post it now:

1 I am good at what I do!
2 I am two classes away from completing my masters degree!!
3 I was offered a paid position at my internship site before I completed my internship
4 My school supervisor told me that he would happily refer clients to me. He is in AZ, but still a
HUGE compliment
5 I am a nice person
6 I spend my (working) days making the world an ever so slightly better place
7 I have nice eyes
8 My mom is an endless source of support
9 I have such an adorable, creative, beautiful niece and nephews
10 I am smart and intelligent
11 I generally manage to land on my feet
12 I am 30, but most people think I'm younger!
13 I like my family and usually get along with them
14 I have toned muscular legs
15 I have naturally long nails
16 My hair is pretty nice too
17 I know that I will acomplish all that I set out to do
18 My complection is pretty good
19 I am creative and crafty
20 I am resourceful
21 I can sing
22 I have a unique and special relationship with my big sister
23 I can decorate my space well
24 I can grow beautiful flowers
25 I can grow herbs
26 I am resourceful
27 I am a good friend

(Yucky) Tales from the field

I was less than thrilled when my client, E., cancelled his three hour sessions on both Monday and Tuesday- that's a big chunk of my paycheck that will be missing. I was told by the daycare staff that he would not be in until late afternoon, which, because of my scheudule, was not possible for me to come in and see him. However, words cannot explain how I felt when I arrived at his daycare on Wednesday to find him COVERED in bruises and scratches- easily 20 to 30 of each. The nurse's aid that accompanys him said that his father had simply stated "it happened over the weekend". He didn't say what had happened over the weekend. His other Nurse's aid (he has two), that worked with him on Monday said that dad said that he did it himself. E can be aggressive when he is frustrated, however his aggression is directed at others not himself and 99% of the time doesn't leave a mark on the victim- and I bruise like a peach so if he's not injuring me...... And I have watched this child hit the same spot on him self day after day and not have a bruise. Not to mention the fact that he is essentially a walking skeleton- at 10 years old he weights about 35 lbs. There is no way that he did this himself. He spent both Wednesday's session and yesterday's session acting out aggressively and repeating "bad, bad, bad" and " and "I'm bad". E is essentally non-verbal- the only word I've ever heard him say is "bad" and on a typical day he says it maybe two or three times a session, not constantly. I feel that I need to pause my story for a minute and explain. The decison to call childline is gut renching- contrary to popular belief we really do question whether or not the bruises and/or behavior we are seeing could have been the result of an accident or if the child is lying. It is not a call that is made on a whim and, honestly, it is quite upseting for the person who is charged with making it. However, in cases like this one, I don't ask myself what will happen to the parents if I do call, I ask myself what will happen to the child if I don't call? In all honesty, it's not about my legal obligation to the client (which as a mandated reporter I do have a legal obligation to report suspected abuse), it' s about the ethical responsibility I have to the client- if I don't call who will? Nobody deserves to the treatment I believe he is getting from his "parents". So yesterday, after a night of bad sleep, I called Childline and spent about a half hour explaining to the intake specialist what I saw and his history (we suspect that he is a victim of parental neglect) afterwhich the intake specialist informed me that, while I did a good job explaining the situation, the the report would not be registered (a registered complaint is one that is sent to CYS AND law enforcement- so it is seriously investigated) and that it would help if someone with a professional degree ( an master's or PH.D) would report the abuse. Apparently the fact that I see him 12 hours a week and have the education and experience to recognize abuse and maltreatment is just not good enough. Because I only have a Bachelors. It will be forwarded to CYS because every complaint has to be investigated, but I belive that that is the only reason. I feel so powerless. And angry at the daycare and the other Nurse's aid, who saw he bruised up but didn't do anything. It is just frightening that this can happen and the agency charged with helping is doing nothing!

The calls are comming from inside the house!

Here is my horoscope for today, the last day that I can consider myself to be "twentysomething":
Your Horoscope - Today, August 15, 2008
Today's planetary energies will be very demanding, Laura. As you agonize over whether or not you are "up to standard", the planets, in a very cheeky way, respond that you are not! That's because you are moving too quickly! The change in direction that you are making at the moment is profound, yet you are trying to take it lightly. Dare to go deeper.

Suggestions Please

I have been trying to eat healthier, only partly because I would like to lose some weight but mostly just to be healthier. However, this week the premenstral cravings have taken over- if its fat or sugar ladden I want it. Oh and carbs are good too. Is there something healthy I can eat to satisfy these cravings?

My Taffeta badge of honor

Tomorrow I will don a lovely red gown and help one of my friends get married. And despite my complaints as of late, I am happy and honored to be one of her bridesmaids. I think Cindy Chupack explained it best in “The Between Boyfriends Book”: “…rarely have I been awarded that purple heart of friendship that would put me among the few, the proud, the bridesmaids. I find this distressing. I always considered myself a good friend, a girl’s girl, but the lack of taffeta in my closet would seem to imply otherwise.” I’ve known Jen for about 13 years now and in that time I’ve served as her confidante (especially in the last year), cheerleader, partner in crime, therapist, companion, and voice of reason. And while sometimes our friendship seems out of balance, I honestly enjoy playing these roles. I really enjoy making people feel better (hence the profession) and knowing I’ve helped someone else. So tomorrow I will wear that taffeta creation with pride because I have more than earned it!

Tales from the field...

Last night one of the Pinebrook clients and his grandmother arrived a little early for his appointment, so they were there when I walked my previous client to the waiting room. Once we got in the therapy room, my client's grandmother asked me if I had other clients. She seemed a little suprised at this! I was speachless. I have been seeing them for about eight months now and she just realized that her grandson is not my only client!

The dress

Jen has her dress hanging in my room because she was told it needs to be out of the dress bag so it doesn't get ruined. She can't hang it in her room because she shares it with Michael, so it' s in my room. I swear it has a presence! It's so pretty that I cannot resist just staring at it.

The State of Me

Ok, so it’s been a little while since I last posted. Sorry! Life has been hectic the past month. I finished up two more classes-eleven classes down, five more to go (two of which I am enrolled in now!!) and while I am taking a much needed one month break from normal classes (still enrolled in practicum), I have not had a huge amount of time the past few weeks. I had a lot of little things that needed to be caught up, deep cleaning if you will. And then there’s Jen’s wedding and all the stuff that goes with that.
KidsPeace is ok- it’s a paycheck until I finish my degree. It’s the same job I had before and despite the change in agencies, I am still stressed out. I think this is because I have grown accustomed to having my thoughts and opinions listened to and having, at the very least, a small say in the treatment of the client. However, now I am working in an entry -level position with people who do not know my ability level, and so, I’ve had a lot of things explained to me that I already know, ECT. I am trying so very hard to keep an open mind about this and I tell myself that maybe I will learn something new, but it has yet to happen and I am starting to get very frustrated and annoyed. My job is not at all challenging or stimulating like the work I do at Pinebrook. I think I am just ready to move on, but am unable to until I finish my degree.
I am exactly one month away from my 30th birthday. When I was a teenager, I pictured myself spending this birthday with my husband and children- the sexes of those children and how many depended on my mood at the time, but their existence never did. I pictured myself living in a nice house, which I would be able to afford because I would have just finished up my Ph.D and my husband would have a good job as well (the type of job was also dependant on my mood). So I sit here now, one month away from 30, in the room I rent in my friend’s house, stressing out about getting enough hours to finish my master’s degree so that I can get a decent job, and looking longingly at said friend’s wedding dress in all it’s beautiful wonderful glory, wondering if I am ever going to get to wear one of those. I am not depressed, but I have some moments where I am close.

On being an aunt....

I periodically read a blog written by a single woman about her adventures- It provides support and reassurance that I'm not the only one. Her post on her impending aunthood says it all much better than I ever could: http://thisfish.ivillage.com/love/archives/2008/05/my-new-job.html

Mood Alert!!

On Monday I had the truly wonderful task of handing in my resignation letter. I opted to hand my letter directly to Kim to prevent it from being "lost" in her mailbox. Kim has handled this event with the grace and professionalism that I have come to expect from her- my letter has yet to be seen or heard of by anyone other then Kim. I would not be suprised if it accidently on purpose fell in to the trash can before anyone could see it. I will be printing out another copy and taking it to HR as proof that it does exist and I did , in fact, give two weeks notice.
So you would think that I would be feeling an unparalled extacy- in two weeks I will never have to deal with Kim again!!! Wrong. I forgot how emotionally stressful leaving an agency can be. Not the office/Case Management part. I'm truly estatic about leaving that behind. It's the clients. After you spend a couple years spending a couple hours five days a week with someone, you get attached. There is a feeling of closeness because you have come in to their houses and seen and helped them through some rough times. Added to that, because I'm a therapist, is the feeling that you are leaving them high and dry. I would like to leave them in a good place, but both of them still need therapy and I know that it will probably be awhile in til they get a new therapist (everyone has waiting lists) and usually, the client winds up losing some of the skills that they have learned in therapy. I can't believe that in another week and a half I will probably never see these people again. It feels like an amputation. So, just a warning- I am very emotional right now.

Bring on the rain

This must be national Craptastic week. My day can beat the snot out of Steph's day. The loveliness started at the late hour of 4am, when one of my roommates thumped in to the kitchen (which sits directly above my room), waking me up. Then I had another run in with Kim- "a meeting" to discuss "concerns" AKA little mistakes that she has exagerated to make it seem like I am the most incompetent case manager to walk the earth. Then I backed up in to a car backing out of my space. My car now has a huge scratch on the rear bumper. Oh Joy! Dr.K, my practicum supervisor asked if I had heard from KidsPeace and when I told him I had not, he said he was confused as to what had happened and oh well. (I'm more then qualified for the job and my interview went well). I'm confused as well because I know for a fact that they called one of my references. I also wonder if they called my current employer (Kim) and if so, if she lied and said that I was a bad employee. So I guess that ship has sailed. Now I'm worried that she'll screw me out of getting a new job.
Maybe tommorrow will be better. (please!!)

Sigg Bottles

I was recently asked if I had ever gotten a sigg bottle. I have two, one looks like the bottle above and the other one, I cannot find a picture of on the website, but it's smaller and is silver with blue circles on it. They are a little pricey, but I figured I usually carry a water bottle with me so eventually, it will pay for itself. Plus it's better for the environment!

Spring Cleaning

Much of the last week was spent holed up in my bedroom, avoiding the wars going on around me. So I had plenty of time to think, which I think during this time of year, leads to an itch for newness. So I rearranged my room- not completely, but enough to make it "new", and I did alot of cleaning, more then I usually do. I also decided it was time to revamp my blog. However, I couldn't find a layout that I liked any more then my current one, so I decided just to change the colors. I also changed the picture. While Cinderella is not my favorite Disney character, I can relate to the all work no fun life that she has in the begining of the movie (and I'm hoping that my life will change dramatically for the better soon!) Changing things around feels like bloodletting to me- like if I change the layout of my room and the colors of my blog all the bad energy (or whatever) will leave me and things will be good again. I don't know why. Maybe because I would like to believe that it is this easy to make good things happen. Or maybe because I feel like I have tried everything else, so maybe if I just hang a good picture or pick a good color, my life will change.

The kind of food that doesn't make you fat

The last couple months have been jam packed and have left me with quiet a lot to process. Shortly after my last post, I had to present my Genogram (detailed family tree/history) to my class. I will not go in to details here, but it’s not exactly white picket fences and June Cleaver. That experience and the discussions with my mom and sister that followed have given me a lot of food for thought. As I was recovering from that, Uncle Bob passed away. I think Steph did a beautiful job of expressing the shock, pain, and questions that we were left with after Uncle Bob’s passing. I think that in some ways it was harder for me because of the depression and suicide. Because I am a therapist, there is a tiny part of me that thought if I only knew…. I know that in reality, there was nothing I personally could have done, but I cannot help but feel that I could have. I am fortunate to have a supervisor who understood and, through a story, reassured me that I could not of done anything but it was normal to feel this way. My heart goes out to Chrissy and Betsy (not that I don’t feel for Ryan) because I think every girl dreams of their wedding day and a part of that is having your dad walk you down the aisle. Not to mention the father-daughter dance. And he will never meet their children. I know that the loss is so much more profound than these little things, but it’s hard not to think of all the things that will be missed. One of the many thoughts that ran through my head as I drove home was that I have had to do so many things by myself, I hope that I don’t have to walk myself down the aisle too. If I were to reflect on it further, I would only repeat what Steph said.
Shortly after that, I found out that the agency I work for had lost a major funding source, and so there is a good chance that most of us will be out of a job come May 30th. Really, this is both good and bad. The bad is mostly obvious: I need a job and it’s always hard to leave clients behind. However, I see this as an opportunity for change and a new beginning. I haven’t really been happy at VCG for quite some time and I think this is God’s way of giving me a kick in the pants to get out of there. Right now I am just hoping it all works out for me- A very wise woman told me it always does. (Hi mom!)
In addition to the above, my Practicum provides me with new challenges and food for thought almost daily. In the past couple months I have had to call Childline, figure out how to get through to a stubborn little bugger, and deal with the aftermath of a suicide attempt. It’s not all rain and thunder clouds though- I also get to watch my clients grow and heal. It’s a very slow process, but it’s magical too. I know that some people think that the job of a therapist is depressing, but really it’s inspiring to see someone make the decision to change themselves, work toward that goal, and finally achieve it. And the fact that I get to be a part of it is just gravy.