Ok, so it’s been a little while since I last posted. Sorry! Life has been hectic the past month. I finished up two more classes-eleven classes down, five more to go (two of which I am enrolled in now!!) and while I am taking a much needed one month break from normal classes (still enrolled in practicum), I have not had a huge amount of time the past few weeks. I had a lot of little things that needed to be caught up, deep cleaning if you will. And then there’s Jen’s wedding and all the stuff that goes with that.
KidsPeace is ok- it’s a paycheck until I finish my degree. It’s the same job I had before and despite the change in agencies, I am still stressed out. I think this is because I have grown accustomed to having my thoughts and opinions listened to and having, at the very least, a small say in the treatment of the client. However, now I am working in an entry -level position with people who do not know my ability level, and so, I’ve had a lot of things explained to me that I already know, ECT. I am trying so very hard to keep an open mind about this and I tell myself that maybe I will learn something new, but it has yet to happen and I am starting to get very frustrated and annoyed. My job is not at all challenging or stimulating like the work I do at Pinebrook. I think I am just ready to move on, but am unable to until I finish my degree.
I am exactly one month away from my 30th birthday. When I was a teenager, I pictured myself spending this birthday with my husband and children- the sexes of those children and how many depended on my mood at the time, but their existence never did. I pictured myself living in a nice house, which I would be able to afford because I would have just finished up my Ph.D and my husband would have a good job as well (the type of job was also dependant on my mood). So I sit here now, one month away from 30, in the room I rent in my friend’s house, stressing out about getting enough hours to finish my master’s degree so that I can get a decent job, and looking longingly at said friend’s wedding dress in all it’s beautiful wonderful glory, wondering if I am ever going to get to wear one of those. I am not depressed, but I have some moments where I am close.
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7 comments:
This is claire
Man that does suck though. At least you're not unemployed in the suburbs of philly wondering how the hell your resume got a response from ING Direct and Prudential Insurance when you probably don't even want those jobs...Someone's always got it worse. Not that I even have it bad cause I don't at all.
I know I can't change your values or anything like that but like, having expectations of your life years in the future can't be good for anyone's emotional health. Hope things perk up for you.
Is that really a common thing-to picture your future in detail? I know they always talk about little girls dreaming about their weddings too, but I never did any of that. KidsPeace sucks-that's one of my biggest pet peeves too. I hate having people tell me things I already know. And yet, it somehow happens constantly. Do you mean you are not Clinically depressed? Because I would say you are definitely depressed. I've never seen you as unhappy as you were Friday night. I would say with things that bad the good must be around the corner!
Claire- I think it's pretty common to have a picture of how your life will be. Especially during childhood and teen years. I think Prudential and ING direct generally just look for a diploma and, hopefully, a brain because they figure they can train you to do the job.
Steph- yes, I meant that I am not clinically depressed. So no need to put me on suicide watch or research antidepressants. But cheering up is always welcome!
You are a tough one-I generally do a lousy job of cheering you up. But I may need to research that stuff anyway for myself!
Laura, please look at what you have accomplished in your life so far. To much of our dreams are on what we were always told to us from when we can remember and that is, married at 21....have a house with a white picket fence.....have two children, 1 boy and 1 girl. Well, to me that is all in a dream that sometimes never comes to light, or a fairy tale.
My life started at age 16 with a son born to me and no man by my side. Two months after my son was born I met my wonderful husband, Chuck. Three months later we were married, with no money in the bank. A month after we were married I discovered I was going to another baby. Nine months after being married my son, Tom, was born. Yes, everything was happening so fast for me, going from being a single mother, to a wife, and to having another child. When I look back it seemed so simple and exciting, but in realistic it was hard and sometimes confusing. What I'm trying to say is that you are a very beautiful, caring, generously giving person of yourself, to make a young person's life mean it is important. As, I see you, Laura, you have accomplished a lot in a short time you are here on earth. Be proud of the woman you are and that you have made such a BIG difference to a special little being.
Did you ever think of becoming a foster parent? I really think that may be your calling, because you are so wonderful with children that need your kind of love to care for them. It is so hard to love a child and know that child is having such a hard life, at such a young life. Think about it, because I really think you have a BIG heart for those kids you care for and you would make a wonderful mother in place of their mother. A child can't have too many mothers or fathers in their life.
Do you work with kids of all ages? The reason asking is The Children's Home of Easton could probably use you. Did you ever think of working for them? They have kids of all ages, but a lot of those kids are brought in from Phila to give them a better rural life. Not all of those kids are bad, just have had terrible parents.
If I miss your special day on August 16th, let me wish you a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY, now.
Yesterday was my birthday and we had no money to do anything, so it was a little depressing for me. It will get better when Chuck finds a job. When you get over fifty life gets harder, because people think you are all ready over-the-hill and ready for the pasture.
Your dreams will come true in due time, not when we want them to happen.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I have no desire to be a foster parent. I spend all day helping children who have been badly parented or the victim of unfortunate circumstances. To come home to them would be too much for me- I would get burnt out. I have so much drama in my professional life- I really need peace at home. I have all the respect in the world for foster and single parents, but it is not a situation I would intentionally put myself in. Also, just having a child is not the answer. I don't want a child, I want a family of my own- husband, children and all.
Laura, please be patient, it will come when you least expect it. You are going to surprise us all. He is out there waiting for you and neither one of you know it, until it happens. Then it will be a blessing from above.
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